"No." "I'm sorry, I can't help you."... Refusal is a common form of interaction in interpersonal relationships. In daily life and work, when faced with someone's request or expectation, many people experience inner struggles when they need to make a decision to refuse, express a refusal attitude, or take a refusal action: knowing that they are unwilling, they find it difficult to refuse and can only reluctantly accept. Refusal is both an attitude and a behavior. Clarifying the following aspects is beneficial for clearly expressing the intention to refuse and allowing the other party to accept it.
Denying the individual or rejecting the request#
We all hope for harmonious interpersonal relationships, and refusal seems to imply a denial of the relationship, as if saying "no" to someone's request is a rejection of that person: I don't like you. When we are refused, we may have similar feelings. This feeling can lead to hesitation and even fear when deciding to refuse. When we realize that we are not rejecting a person, but only a specific request from the other party, refusal may become much easier. For example, you just finished a busy morning of work and have important tasks to do in the afternoon. At noon, a colleague with a good relationship wants you to help him review materials to be submitted next week. If you are worried that refusing this request will make the other person think you don't like him, you will likely reluctantly give up your rest to help him. If you can realize that saying "no" does not mean unwillingness to help, but rather that you cannot provide assistance at this time, refusal will no longer be an unspeakable thing.
Clear expression or ambiguity#
When we decide to refuse, we also need to communicate and respond patiently. At this time, the attitude of refusal should be clear, and the reasons for refusal should be sufficient. For example, when refusing someone's invitation or request, you can clearly tell the other person, "I have an important arrangement at that time," or "Sorry, although I want to help you, I may lack the resources and ability to provide assistance." In most cases, a clear and simple reason is enough, and there is no need to deliberately explain in detail, otherwise it may make the other person feel like you are making excuses and cause displeasure. With a clear attitude and clear reasons, even if the other person wants to continue persuading you, they know how to communicate on specific issues. If you are ambiguous or hesitant due to face-saving, it often backfires. The other person is uncertain about your attitude and cannot understand the problem, resulting in communication barriers and ultimately a falling out.
Considering social relationships or sticking to principles#
There are always many unwritten rules in interpersonal communication that make us struggle when refusing. In the struggle between social relationships and principles, the ancient sage Confucius has given us a clear answer. He said, "A gentleman is harmonious but not the same, while a petty person is the same but not harmonious." Needless to say, sticking to principles is the first principle. On the premise of adhering to principles, mastering the art of refusal and trying to achieve an outwardly gentle and inwardly firm approach is important: not hurting feelings is the outwardly gentle aspect, not violating principles is the inwardly firm aspect. For example, a friend makes a request: to help his son with a job interview at your company. Obviously, this is inappropriate and goes against principles. When refusing, you can first express understanding of the other person's feelings, then state the principles you should adhere to, such as the requirements and regulations of your company. Finally, provide other reasonable resources that do not violate principles, such as sharing interview experiences with successful candidates. This way, you can let the other person know it is difficult and avoid any resentment; you can stick to principles without damaging the relationship.
In interpersonal communication, we need to realize that refusal is our right, not fearing difficulties or being bound by social relationships, and make the other party understand our decision to adhere to principles. We also need to master the skills and methods of refusal, not avoiding or being vague, and achieve clear expression and an outwardly gentle and inwardly firm approach. Only then can we shape a firm sense of self and healthy interpersonal relationships through refusal.